#Chapter
4: Beatrice
Sinclair was going to a
boarding school. At that time, he aware of loosing his innocence, but still
guilty about that. He was happy to be away from home, but also upset because
his parents were still watching over him protectively. He also missed Demian,
but couldn’t meet him. After a year entering the school, Sinclair was invited
by Alfons Beck to join him for some wine at a local bar in the town. After getting
to know about the drunken things, Sinclair began being friends with people who
often went to the bars and sneaked around with women. However, he never joined
them with any of the sexual things. But, his debauchery was well known around
school until his father came to visit him to try to get him to shape up and he
was even threatened him with expulsion. Even in the Christmas holiday, when he
visited his home, the atmosphere seemed unpleasant. Sinclair begam to care less
about his failure and accepted his fate.
One day, he was approached a
girl whom he called Beatrice and almost began to worship her. Sinclair’s
behavior changed at once. He was no longer go to bars. He also began to take
interest in school. He become a good boy, and most importantly, he began to
paint. He painted the face of a girl to which he responded very strongly. The
face had male and female features and seemed to Sinclair almost to be the
picture of a God. Few days later, he realized that it didn’t like he does, but
the picture was of Demian. The older Sinclair spoke how he missed Demian
through that picture. One day, Sinclair finally met Demian while on holiday
vacation back home. They hang-out together, he even invited him to a bar. The
conversation wasn’t good and slightly antagonistic. Demian seemed to disapprove
of Sinclair's newfound drinking hobby. One night, Sinclair dreamed about Demian
and the coat of arms in the arch above the doorway of Sinclair's house. He
set out to paint the sparrow hawk that was in this coat of arms. Then he
mailed the painting to Demian.
Sinclair found a note had been
left for him, and he was sure it was from Demian. It said, “The bird fights its
way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Who would be born first must destroy
a world. The bird flies to God. That God's name is Abraxas.” He was distracted
from the lesson, and perked up when he heard the teacher mentioned Abraxas, and
the teacher explained that Abraxas could br thought of as a “godhead” who
represented a unification of the devine and the satanic. One night, Sinclair
had a same dream. It was like he returned to his parents’ home and saw a
sparrow hawk, illuminated above the house. And then his moter approached him,
but as he reached to hug her, he saw that it was not his mother, but someone
who looked like Demian and his painting. As he realized that he would soon
enter the university, Sinclair thought about his future. He didn’t set his plan
as another who were sure what would they become, like Doctors, Lawyers, or
Businessmen. But, he just simply wanted to “live in accord with the promptings”
of his “true self”, but he wondered why it was so difficult to do. As the time
went by, Sinclair became lonlier and
though more confident in his relations with his peers.
When he walked around the town,
he passed by a church where he heard music and he stayed outside to listen. He
did that many more times as te following weeks. Until one night, he decided to
follow the organist as he left the church. Then he met him at a bar and sat
down with him uninvited. They began to talk and Sinclair questioned about
Abraxas. Pistorius, the organist, listened to Sinclair interestingly. Sinclair
told him about the note. And then Pistorius invited him to come sit inside the
church and listen him play. The next meeting, Pistorius took Sinclair to his
home. He then explained about his past. They then meditated by the fireplace.
In another meeting, Pistorius presented Demian with an idea about human personalities.
He said that people define their personalities too narrowly, taking note only
of the traits that deviate from the norm. The older Sinclair commented that his
conversation with Pistorius never innntroduced him to a new ideas. However,
they did help him see things a bit clearer and think a bit more independently.
He also said that he would tell Pistorius of his dreams and Pistorius would
help him understand their significance. Pistorius was helping him to further
break free.
#TBC....
